FML

Today, I was having a quickie with my boyfriend. We are currenly living with my parents where my bunk beds are set up, I was on top and started getting into it then slammed my head into the top bunk. The next thing I remember is waking up to my father chasing my boyfriend out of my house. FML

Today, my dad said “Who are you texting? Mom?” I said “Dad, I’m not that much of a loser.” I then looked down and remembered I was texting my uncle. I then looked at my inbox. The people down the list were Mom, Dad, Uncle Dave, and one from Dean the president math club saying I was a nerd. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 6 years. She said no. Why? She’s already married. FML

Today, I wanted to go to the bank and my mom offered me a ride. As she pull the car up, and I walk around to get in. Suddenly the car launch forward, knocking me down. She quickly got out and shouted, “omg did I hit my truck?” Then she look down at me, “Why are you laying on the ground? Lets go” FML

Today was my husband and I’s anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up.. “SEXY”. You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. Anyways, I hear the door open, and what I thought was him was my brother saying wishing me a happy anniversary. FML

Today, I heard Walmart had a sale, buy an X-Box 360 for $199 and get a $100, I couldn’t find a ride, so I took my bike, on the way home I crashed and broke my new X-Box and dropped the gift card down a storm drain. FML

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I’m being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old’s birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, “Was the Prince handsome?” and they all replied with a chorus of “Nooooo!” FML

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I call her to find out where she lives. She answers the phone only to hear my father yelling in the background, “stop talking to that whore.” FML

Today, my husband left his cell phone at home. I looked through his contacts and found a person named “The Bitch.” Being a very curious person, I decided to call “The Bitch” to see who it was. My phone rang. FML