FML

Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall...

Dec 11th

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of...

Dec 11th

Today, my friends and I went to court. We are all college students, and for next semester, we will...

Dec 11th

Today, I told a customer at the drive-thru I couldn’t hear him as he had his music blaring too...

Dec 11th

Today, my boyfriend (who’s a bit older) introduced me to his daughter. I was expecting a...

Dec 11th

Today, a repairman woke me up so he could change the filter in my furnace. This would have been...

Dec 11th

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of...

Dec 11th

Today, I found out that the drainage hose connected to the garbage disposal was left unplugged. I...

Dec 11th

Today, my boyfriend and his friends had a conversation about the power of boobs. He later asked me...

Dec 11th

Today, we had our annual office Christmas party. The theme of the party was “Ugliest...

Dec 11th

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he...

Dec 11th

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me...

Dec 11th

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers...

Dec 11th

Today, my math TA showed the class how one of her “dumb” students answered a test...

Dec 10th

Today, I got a call from my girlfriend of 13 months. She told me that she had gotten chlamydia from...

Dec 10th

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window...

Dec 10th

Today, was my birthday. I have been heavily hinting that I want an iPhone. I opened my present from...

Dec 10th

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to...

Dec 10th

Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around...

Dec 10th

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I...

Dec 10th

Today, my daughter’s school called to inform me that I needed to bring her some sneakers. Not...

Dec 10th

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few...

Dec 10th

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go,...

Dec 10th

Today, I didn’t get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

Dec 10th

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers...

Dec 10th

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that...

Dec 10th

Today, I was really thirsty for something to drink. I looked in the fridge, and found some of my...

Dec 10th

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was...

Dec 10th

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man’s...

Dec 10th

Today, I recieved a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan’s wife. She...

Dec 10th

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, “There are many ways...

Dec 10th

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella...

Dec 10th

Today, I pulled out three chips from a bag. There were two round ones, and a skinny one, making it...

Dec 10th

Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled...

Dec 10th

Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held...

Dec 10th

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off...

Dec 10th

Today, my girlfriend broke up with my for being superficial. She said I was superficial because I...

Dec 10th

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn’t...

Dec 9th

Today, I mailed out all my Christmas cards. As I was relaxing and being impressed with myself for...

Dec 9th

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there...

Dec 9th

Today, I had a dream I was in World War II. I pulled out a grenade pin with my teeth. I woke up to a...

Dec 9th

Today, I met a girl who’s the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great...

Dec 9th

Today, my dog received a christmas card before I did. FML

Dec 9th

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I’ve never heard of, subject:...

Dec 9th

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry,...

Dec 9th

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man’s...

Dec 9th

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend’s bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there...

Dec 9th

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition,...

Dec 9th

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She’s in the forces, and it was her...

Dec 9th

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend’s house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his...

Dec 9th

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was...

Dec 9th

Today, I was cleaning out my new guinea pig cage for the first time because one of them had babies...

Dec 9th

Today, my roommate gave me a self-help book on alcoholism for my birthday. He’s an alcoholic....

Dec 9th

Today my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal he pooped himself. My family...

Dec 9th

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend’s house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his...

Dec 9th

Today, I was going to ask my parents for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. I overheard...

Dec 9th

Today, I got stuck in the snow in the middle of street. As I was just beginning to get myself...

Dec 9th

Today, I learned that Nerf bullets can hurt. Especially from getting shot in the snow globes by your...

Dec 9th

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The...

Dec 9th

Today, my wife gave birth to triplets. Since she is a huge fan of the Jonas Brothers, she named them...

Dec 9th

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my...

Dec 9th

Today, I was fired because I skipped a week of work without calling nor telling anyone. His...

Dec 8th

Today, I got stuck behind a long line of cars driving 20mph on a 55mph road. I starting blaring my...

Dec 8th

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that...

Dec 8th

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive...

Dec 8th

Today, I went to the icecream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the...

Dec 8th

Today, I’m travelling to England for an important meeting. I’m norwegian, and my name is...

Dec 8th

Today, after the firetruck and EMS came to my house for an emergency, I realized that not all...

Dec 8th

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency...

Dec 8th

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for...

Dec 8th

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the...

Dec 8th

Today, in aerobics, while stretching my friend leaned over to pull the long hair off my pants. It...

Dec 8th

Today, my boyfriend finally invited me over to his parents house so I could meet them. My boyfriend,...

Dec 8th

Today, I had my first university exam. I set my alarm the night before, but my roomate thought it...

Dec 8th

Today, I went to my grandmothers house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and...

Dec 8th

Today, while driving, I witnessed the neighbors dog viciously shaking a black cat. So I slammed on...

Dec 8th

Today, the “hot” guy I’ve been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He...

Dec 8th

Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored...

Dec 8th

Today, I went skating at the local rink. I had a really hard time balancing and was falling all over...

Dec 8th

Today, I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years...

Dec 8th

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway,...

Dec 8th

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home....

Dec 8th

Today, I was giving my 4 month old son a bath. I felt something in the tub and thought it was a...

Dec 8th

Today, I took a hot plate out of the oven with my fancy silicon oven mitt. Seconds after carefully...

Dec 8th

Today, I went to pick up my paycheck at the convenience store I work at. While there, two frat boys...

Dec 8th

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a...

Dec 8th

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I...

Dec 8th

Today, I finally got a hold of my husband who I haven’t actually talked to in 2 and 1/2 weeks...

Dec 8th

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how...

Dec 7th

Today, I found out from my mom that the sweet smelling shampoo she bought recently belongs to Tammi....

Dec 7th

Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got swiched. As I went...

Dec 7th

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my...

Dec 7th

Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn’t...

Dec 7th

Today, I was doing homework in my room when my roommate started meowing all of a sudden. Not only...

Dec 7th

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped...

Dec 7th

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won’t stop. FML

Dec 7th

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he...

Dec 7th

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

Dec 7th

Today, I got a new smart phone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it....

Dec 7th

Today, my neighbor took out a restraining order against me. She told the cops that for the last...

Dec 7th

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I...

Dec 7th

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by...

Dec 7th

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me...

Dec 7th

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my...

Dec 7th

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend’s mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He...

Dec 7th

Today, I lit some candles while waiting for my girlfriend to come over. I was trying to be romantic....

Dec 6th

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I...

Dec 6th

Today, I was the costume rental shop I work at. I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what...

Dec 6th

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn’t nearly as effective when it comes to...

Dec 6th

Today, I woke up and found that someone had taken a dump on my car. They’d apparently felt bad...

Dec 6th

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven’t...

Dec 6th

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking...

Dec 6th

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can’t...

Dec 6th

Today, I heard my parents saying that someone was a freak and needs help. I curiously began to...

Dec 6th

Today, I found out that the shower sponge I’ve been using for a while now is the very same...

Dec 6th

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She...

Dec 6th

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our...

Dec 6th

Today, my Asian parents and I went to burger king. When it came to the drinks, my dad said,...

Dec 6th

Today, my mother stood up and yelled my full name like crazy through a huge mega-phone at a playoff...

Dec 6th

Today, I was trying to guess the password my dad set for our house wifi connection. I was messing...

Dec 6th

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend’s house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to...

Dec 6th

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that...

Dec 6th

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and...

Dec 6th

Today, I realized I’ve lived alone too long. I read ‘How the Grinch Stole...

Dec 6th

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I’d taken from my parents’ house recently. After...

Dec 6th

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I...

Dec 6th

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was...

Dec 6th

Today, my girlfriend told me her friend Ashley wanted to have a threesome with us. I’ve never...

Dec 6th

Today, I started feeling really sick and came home from work. My roommate, convinced I had the H1N1...

Dec 5th

Today, I was ecstatic when I got my so-much-waited marriage proposal! I couldn’t wait to show...

Dec 5th

Today, my girlfriend of two months broke up with me because she said I remind her too much of her...

Dec 5th

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last...

Dec 5th

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my dorm room. He was naked and was peeing into my water bottle. He...

Dec 5th

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We...

Dec 5th

Today, I had a wrestling match. I told my friend to get it on camera so I could watch myself later....

Dec 5th

Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man...

Dec 5th

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from...

Dec 5th

Today, I was texting this cute guy that I like. After a couple of minutes I get a missed call from...

Dec 5th

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring,...

Dec 5th

Today, we brought our Christmas tree inside to decorate. We decorated it, then went out to dinner as...

Dec 5th

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck...

Dec 5th

Today, after years of struggling with my weight, my husband purchased a video game program to help...

Dec 5th

Today, I was driving with a friend when a car full of beautiful college girls pulled next to us and...

Dec 5th

Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way,...

Dec 5th

Today, I was run over by a car. My car. My 8 year old son put the car in neutral in the driveway...

Dec 5th

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister,...

Dec 5th

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented...

Dec 5th

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving...

Dec 5th

Today, I found my pit bull after three weeks of frantic searching. When we returned home, I put out...

Dec 5th

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse....

Dec 5th

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it...

Dec 4th

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today...

Dec 4th

Today, I found out that just because you’re drunk, it doesn’t make it okay to call your...

Dec 4th

Today, the electrician came because our kitchen light has been flickering. After examining the...

Dec 4th

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside,...

Dec 4th

Today, I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. I took a close up picture of my face, and,...

Dec 4th

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher’s office, where he...

Dec 4th

Today, I was informed after submitting my request to have Christmas off about 2 weeks prior to...

Dec 4th

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in...

Dec 4th

Today, I had to take a test that’s required to pass the class. The test administor told us...

Dec 4th

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He’s 38 and we’re...

Dec 4th

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don’t know whats worse, the fact that I...

Dec 4th

Today at my school, we had the opening night of our production in which I act. None of my family or...

Dec 4th

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I’m finally becoming a man! Too bad I’m a...

Dec 4th

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on...

Dec 4th

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He...

Dec 4th

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get...

Dec 4th

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to...

Dec 4th

Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, where I made out...

Dec 4th

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked...

Dec 4th

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone...

Dec 4th

Today, I hired a professional makeup artist to apply my makeup for a wedding. After paying her $500...

Dec 4th

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently,...

Dec 3rd

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the...

Dec 3rd

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends...

Dec 3rd

Today, We had my school musical. The girls have to wear long skirts. I had a thong on, and while we...

Dec 3rd

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it’s time for me to get married to Kevin....

Dec 3rd

Today, I learned my wife wasn’t speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another...

Dec 3rd

Today, I learned when your cat is looking at you with big eyes it doesn’t mean he’s...

Dec 3rd

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special...

Dec 3rd

Today, I found out that my friends were convinced that I was gay. I have known most of them for 3...

Dec 3rd

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best...

Dec 3rd

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final...

Dec 3rd

Today, I bought $300 worth of climbing equipment because I had lost mine six months ago, I...

Dec 3rd

Today, I got invited out by friends for coffee after I broke up with my boyfriend. When I told my...

Dec 3rd

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It...

Dec 3rd

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one...

Dec 3rd

Today, I received an e-mail from my stepmom. It was a picture of a boy that she said she thought I...

Dec 3rd

Today, my parents invited all their kids and grandkids to join them on a vacation trip to the...

Dec 3rd

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the...

Dec 3rd

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

Dec 3rd

Today, I realized you shouldn’t masturbate while your dad is putting up Christmas lights. FML

Dec 3rd

Today, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend. As my mother was comforting her, I overheard her say...

Dec 3rd

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading...

Dec 3rd

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my...

Dec 2nd

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a...

Dec 2nd

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use....

Dec 2nd

Today, my daughter’s guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried...

Dec 2nd

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can’t afford his bill, which he sent to me...

Dec 2nd

Today, at work I was told I’d be working over Christmas because I don’t drink....

Dec 2nd

Today, I got back from a trip with a lady friend. I spent nearly a week’s salary on a hotel,...

Dec 2nd

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real ‘Fmylife...

Dec 2nd

Today, I got an email. It said “Everyone hates you. We voted.” FML

Dec 2nd

Today, at work, I was forced to listen to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album on...

Dec 2nd

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8...

Dec 2nd

Today, my family went to the Christmas tree farm, and cut down the perfect tree. When we got home we...

Dec 2nd

Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt...

Dec 2nd

Today, after a really harsh break up, my best friend thought we should catch up. After hugging and...

Dec 2nd

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying...

Dec 2nd

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked...

Dec 2nd

Today, I wore a fake diamond ring on my left ring finger to my college class, so that people that I...

Dec 2nd

Today, my girlfriend and I went to go look for a baby crib. She told me she wanted a blue one...

Dec 2nd

Today, my parents found cigarettes in my car. After a long argument lasting over an hour, I...

Dec 2nd

Today, I told my long distance girlfriend I will be coming half way across the country to visit here...

Dec 2nd

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn’t for this...

Dec 2nd

Today, I got my acceptance letter for college. I applied to be an economics major. My father, who...

Dec 2nd

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I...

Dec 2nd

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year old child how to use the microwave, unless...

Dec 2nd

Today, I was driving down a highway during rush-hour. I heard my phone ring and couldn’t find...

Dec 2nd

Today, my boyfriend bought me a strange looking cake. Not wanting to offend him, I ate it. Twenty...

Dec 1st

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for...

Dec 1st

Today, my husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. He said a few weeks ago that he was...

Dec 1st

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying and...

Dec 1st

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either “Yeah.”...

Dec 1st

Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because...

Dec 1st

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of...

Dec 1st

Today, my roommate came home early and walked in on me masturbating. Yesterday, I convinced him I...

Dec 1st

Today, I cleaned out my husband’s drawer. He had kept every love letter I wrote him for the...

Dec 1st

Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my...

Dec 1st

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see “New Moon.” After the girl...

Dec 1st

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you...

Dec 1st

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my...

Dec 1st

Today, I left my friend this big Facebook wall comment about how adorable his son is. Just after...

Dec 1st

Today, at 4am, I remembered that I had not studied for my spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of...

Dec 1st

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that...

Dec 1st

Today, my apartment complex added $250 to the $1,000 my roomate and I already owe because of an...

Dec 1st