August 2011
Today, I took my daughter to the dentist to get three cavities filled. After spending two hours in the office, they realized that they did the wrong teeth. We had to pay for all six fillings. FML
Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She won’t talk to me. FML
Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML
Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take 2 hours to get there. They called 2 hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another 2 hours. FML
Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I’m a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, “Does the carpet match the curtains?” FML
Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparently, “Granny has needs too you know, hahaha!” Goodbye peaceful family. FML
Today, I was painting of my room. I told my mom NOT to open the door because I was on a ladder behind it, with a paint can on top of the ladder as well. So she barges right in to ask me what I said. FML
Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML
Today, my dad told me he doesn’t care if I die, as long as he can have the 100,000 dollars from my life insurance. My dad sees profit in my death. FML
Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were “good luck, fatty”. FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on “business trips.” FML
Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I’d taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML
Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it’s time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it’s something all boys his age do. I can’t convince him otherwise. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. He was so nervous, he broke down in tears after failing to unclasp my bra after multiple fumbling attempts. Mood? Ruined. FML
Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me “never mind”. This same routine happens several times a month. FML
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, “Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt.” FML
Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend’s car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I “could have dented the chassis”. FML
July 2011
Today, my boyfriend’s mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML
Today, as I was taking the bus home I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him ” You totally deserved it”. I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML
Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML
Today, after being recently laid off at work due to “cutbacks”, I went job searching around town. During my drive, I cruised past my old workplace and saw a “now hiring” sign in their window. FML
Today, I learned that my daughter’s gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was “like Hitler but with boobs”, and I was “offensive to the ninja community.” Then he said I just wasn’t all he had hoped for and left. FML
Today, I returned home from a three-week vacation. None of my friends realized I’d been gone. FML
Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML
Today, I sent some “specific” pictures to my boyfriend. Right as the message sent, I realized I hit DAD instead of DAN. FML
Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says “good girl”. I’m whipped by a seven year old. FML
Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML
Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, “I feel like a hug.” I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said “Feeling’s gone” and walked away. FML
Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It’s a cactus. FML
Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML
Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a “B” on a report card. FML
Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn’t have time to drive me home. I’m his neighbour. FML
Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn’t know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs thanked after every time he changes our daughter’s diaper, if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother’s light saber screaming, “Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!” FML
Today, I watched as my neighbor ran over my cat. Instead of telling me about it, he put some gloves on, picked it up, and shoved it under my car next to the tire, to try to trick me into thinking I ran it over myself. He still won’t confess to it. FML
Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald’s, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML
Today, I discovered my brother had stolen some of my old Barbies from my room. I walked in on him trying to use them as voodoo dolls. FML
Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML
Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML
Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML
June 2011
Today, I was walking past an elementary school. I couldn’t help but laugh as I saw a kid slip in the mud. I learned that he was a black belt when he beat the crap out of me. I’m 22. FML
Today, while at Chuck-E-Cheese’s, I decided to go into the ball pit. It was pretty big, so I jumped feet first into the pit. I landed on a 6 year old boy. I’m 16. He had to go to the hospital. FML
Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I’m lucky she even talks to me in public. She’s 6. FML
Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I’d finally get some action. I got a high five. FML
Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, “You shouldn’t have run your mouth off, Rick!” My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML
Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn’t tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML
Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking Baby. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML