February 2010
Today, I’m in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I’m 20 years old, and a man. FML
January 2010
Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML
Today, I realized what all the women I’ve been with have in common; Craigslist. FML
Today, while at a party, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” started playing. For being the only one who didn’t know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It’s below freezing. FML
Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML
Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML
Today, I went out on my first date in 2 months. My sister and her friends were also at the same restaurant we went to. I decided to ignore them but they didn’t. As a joke, they though it would be funny if her friend came up and said, “I had fun last night, we should do it again”. My date left. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in my basement. I play both drums and guitar very well. My girlfriend bet me $50 that she could play better then me. I made the bet, but what I didn’t know was that she had been taking both drum and guitar lessons since she was 5. I just lost $50. FML
Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn’t get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML
Today, I was in the car with my cousin and we saw a family of three. They where all really fat and the lady was holding 2 boxes of pizza. I decided to roll down the window and scream “fatasses” as loud as I could while my cousin drove off. They were going to the same house we were. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald’s. I was sitting alone at a table with a big mac, two large fries, a large drink and 1 case of chicken nuggets. FML
Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? “They must just being saying it behind your back then.” FML
Today, my boyfriend of 6 months asked me to spend the night at his apartment for the first time. I had to poop really bad when I got there, so I used his only bathroom. He went after me, and came out a few seconds later, gagging. Apparently, I clogged his toilet. FML
Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasent. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML
Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML
Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her twitter to complain about me. FML
Today, I was stuck sitting at a cafeteria table next to the girl who broke my heart and her boyfriend. I got to overhear the conversation, which included “I want to go to the car” followed by “Me too, but I don’t have a condom.” FML
Today, I discovered that my best friend of 3 years has me in her phone as “Stupid Bitch”. FML
Today, my boyfriend convinced me to skip school with him. His mom came home early. I had to hide in his closet and wait 6 hours for her to go to her book club meeting. FML
Today, I was rushed to the hospital because I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. Why was I crying? My favorite anime character died. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to my OB-GYN after finding out a week ago I was pregnant. When my doctor came in, he looked at my boyfriend and said, “Wow you must have strong swimmers!” Apparently, he was here last week for an appointment with his “best girl friend.” FML
Today, I accidentally emailed the entire company everyone’s salary, sales history, and the names of four people I intended to fire. FML
Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML
Today, my heating broke. It’s 22 degrees outside, and my father won’t let us call someone to fix it because apparently the cold helps the soul grow. FML
Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML
Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said “look! this place has cotton loin clothes” in front of my wedding party. FML
Today, my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won’t have sex with me anymore is because he is “used” to me. He said all of this in front of his friends. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating so I broke up with him. As revenge he threw my PS3 and XBox out of the window when I wasn’t in our house. I got those consoles out of the spare money my three jobs had brought in - the same three jobs I had to get because he refused to get a job of his own. FML
Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML
Today, I was driving home and stopped at a light. A cute guy in the truck ahead of me waved me forward and told me to roll down my window. It was the first time a cute guy had talked to me in a while so I was pretty excited. He told me to turn my lights on. FML
Today, I took my 8 year old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child and instead of ‘shooting’ me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML
Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say “oh cool”. FML
Today, the guy that I’m in love with and plan to marry some day told me he would choose a million dollars over me. I got upset and told him I no longer want to be with him. In an excited voice he said, “Really? So are you serious I don’t have to worry about this love stuff anymore?” FML
Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML
Today, I peed at a urinal. This was a feat for me because I’m a nervous pee-er. It was going great until some guy walked into the empty bathroom and picked the urinal next to mine. Midway through he turns to me and says ‘Nice watch.’ FML
Today, I was in the bathroom having major diarrhea, when the lights went out. There was no other light whatsoever, so I had to crawl out of the bathroom, butt covered in crap. I managed to hit my head on the stall door, and trip over a bench. All with my pants down. In a public restroom. FML
Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I’m strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML
Today, I discovered that the seal on my driver’s door is defective. I made this discovery when I got rained on while I was getting my car washed. FML
Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor’s being blow away. Thinking I’d be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML
Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML
Today, I decided to cut class with one of my friends and we ended up going to Burger King. As we sat down at the table, I heard my name being called. My mum was getting lunch through the drive thru with my little brother and saw my car parked out front. FML
Today, I got a paper cut in class and cursed in Italian. Aparently my Spanish teacher speaks Italian too. I recieved a week of detention and a phone call home. FML
Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my bosses office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him he had a new message. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he has “commitment issues”. He said he “cared” for me but didn’t “love” me. He did this 30 minutes after we’d hooked up and said we loved each other. FML
Today, I found out my dad bought an iPhone. I’ve spent the better part of the last six months teaching him how to check his email and online newspapers. FML
Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML