January 2011
Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML
December 2010
Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML
Today, my father had a dream that he’d lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowel and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I’ve ever received from my father. FML
Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out “Run fatty, run”. I can’t work up the courage to go for a run again. FML
Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her facebook once. FML
Today, after being up all night making gluten-free M&M cookies, I found out the hard way that my doctor was wrong. I’m allergic to dairy, not wheat. FML
Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They’re everywhere. FML
Today, I found out that my friends have been “fake laughing” whenever I make a joke just so that the situation doesn’t get awkward. FML
Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I see my neighbor drag it in his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It’s now gone. FML
Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML
Today, I went to see a play with my girlfriend. During a sword fight scene, she sighed and said, “I love a man who knows how to use a sword!” She then looked down at my crotch with a disappointed look. FML
Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML
Today, I received an envelope from my boss. I opened the flap to peek inside and the paper was pink. Freaking out, I then told my entire branch what I really think of them. The pink slip turned out to be a party invite. Guess who’s no longer invited, or employed. FML
Today, I couldn’t get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML
Today, I was in the elevator with a hot girl from class. She asked, “Do you want to work on the homework together, then make out?” I excitedly replied, “Sure!” She then pointed to the bluetooth headset in her ear and exited the elevator. FML
Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say “feces”, “penis”, and “diarrhea”. FML
Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I’d kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, “That’s OK, I slept with my boss last week.” FML
Today, I invited my boss and the Vice President of the company over for dinner tonight. I’m such a great cook, even the smoke alarms are cheering for me. FML
Today, my sister came out to the family as being a lesbian, and wanted to invite her girlfriend over for us to meet her. It turns out, her girlfriend occasionally goes out with guys to “remind herself that she’s not missing anything”. I was one of those men. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. He then told me that he will love me forever, wait for me and will follow me to the ends of the earth. Apparently, that means standing outside my door and calling my house phone every five minutes. It’s been 3 hours straight now. FML
Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn’t invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML
Today, I don’t know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML
Today, I woke up minutes before I had to catch the bus to take an exam. I caught sight of the bus, and started running. In the process I managed to trip and scrape my knees. Thankfully, the bus driver saw and waited for me. After finding a seat, I remembered that the exam had been postponed and I could have taken a later bus. FML
Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, “my mom is SO awesome.” FML
Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying “It’s waiting for you.” She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying “It’s waiting for you too.” FML
Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML
Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a ‘wild night out.’ It was the guy I slept with. FML
Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML
Today, my room mate was moving out. When I asked if there was anything I could do, she sent me to the store. When I got back with $20.00 worth of moving supplies, all her stuff was moved out and gone. Turns out she just wanted me out of the way while she packed. FML
Today, I got a phone call from a friend, who lives in the same neighbourhood as me, wondering if it was my father she saw walking a dog by her house, wearing only his boxers. It was. FML
Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said “I’m peeing.” FML
Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: “Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home.” FML
Today, I built a snowman. When I’d finished, I went inside to get a scarf and carrot for the nose. As I came back outside, a snowplough ran it over, and the driver waved at me. FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML
Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML
Today, I ate lunch alone. None of my colleagues saved me a seat. One of those colleagues was my husband. He didn’t even have the decency to move so that I wouldn’t have to eat alone. FML
Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says “ewwww smells like fish.” FML
Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML
Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML
Today, it’s my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML
Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML
Today, I was depressed because my boobs are really small for a 20 year old woman. To make me feel better my boyfriend said, “As long as they’re bigger than mine.” They weren’t. FML
Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend’s birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML
Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then proceeded to sniff it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML
Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I’m out of money. I haven’t lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML
Today, I was going through my mom’s old yearbook. There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother’s crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. I am deeply scarred forever. FML
Today, I started working as a dietary aide at a nursing home. An old man decided to grope me inappropriately with a smile on his face. In shock, I dropped a coffee pot and burnt myself. I got fired because I should have been prepared to deal with demented residents. FML
Today, a customer tried to pay for a $1.55 cup of coffee with a gift card, but he came up a dollar short. He let another customer through while he fumbled in his pocket for money. I later noticed a dollar had disappeared from my tip jar. FML
Today, I took a nap because I’ve been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML
Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML