February 2011
Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML
January 2011
Today, my mom complained that I was bringing the whole house down by being unmotivated and a slacker. I’m currently attending University, working part time, and paying most of the bills. My mom doesn’t work because apparently her feet are too delicate for all the walking about. FML
Today I had a job interview at 9:00am. I left around 8:30 am and as soon as I got in the car to drive to my interview I checked my phone and it said 10:33! My boyfriend decided to change the time on my clock as a “joke.” FML
Today, I decided to dress in my best tracksuit and go for a run outside to get some air. While passing a neighbor, she rudely shouted after me that if I wanted to work out in public, I should at least wear clothes that don’t make me look like a fat slob. FML
Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML
Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML
Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It’s going to be a long semester. FML
Today, I found out that when I withdrew from my Italian class last semester, I accidentally withdrew myself from NYU. FML
Today, I discovered the source of my family’s wealth. Apparently my parents won a lawsuit against Durex 16 years ago. My 16th birthday is in 2 months. FML
Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, “This is the best part about being a grown up!” He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML
Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML
Today, I found out my husband is cheating on me with my therapist. The same therapist who’s been encouraging me to work on my trust with my husband and self-esteem issues. They’re planning on getting married as soon as the divorce goes through. FML
Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, “Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?” We’ve been dating since his second year. FML
Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I’m 4’10. FML
Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, “I have to fake it, I’d leave if I could. I’m not in love, but the sex is good.” FML
Today, my five-year-old cousin decided she wanted to color. Where? On the portrait I had spent three weeks of art class working on. FML
Today, I’m getting over strep throat. The antibiotics they gave me make me have diarrhea unless I eat yogurt in between each pill. That wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t lactose-intolerant. Yogurt gives me really bad gas. So I have to choose between painful gas or diarrhea. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if my ass looked big in my new jeans. He looked, and then started singing “I like big butts and I cannot lie”. FML
Today, working in a coffee shop, a woman threatened to kill me because I didn’t put any milk or sugar in her coffee. I’d already pointed out to her the table where you can get both milk and sugar after I gave her her order. FML
Today, I was talking to the guy I have been dating on and off for the past year about where our relationship was going. His response was, “I can’t think of anything worse than waking up in the morning and realising I have a girlfriend.” FML
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Thanks so much.
Today, my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for. I helped him with his cover letter before I found out about the affair. I’ve been unemployed for almost two years. FML
Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He’s been calling his penis “fun-sized” for a while now, but I didn’t know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I’m pretty sure I’m still technically a virgin. FML
Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn’t even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML
Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn’t worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML
Today, I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. When I asked my mum why she didn’t get me checked out earlier, she said “huh, I just assumed you were a moody bitch”. FML
Today, my husband’s old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML
Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn’t have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML
Today, I was driving with my friends. We stopped at a light and saw a girl walking with her grandmother, and one of my friends yelled out the window, “Show us your bra!” The grandma turned and flashed us. FML
Today, I was stripped of my starting position on my high school basketball team. The reason? I was three minutes late to practice. Why was I late? My coach called me five minutes before practice and made me get him a coffee or else he wouldn’t start me. FML
Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML
Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I’d accidentally texted “I’m going to f*cking kill you, assh*le.” to my boss instead. I’m still waiting on a reply. FML