fmylife.com in your dashboard var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); try { var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-3872781-4"); pageTracker._trackPageview(); } catch(err) {}FMLTumblr (3.0; @fmylife)http://fmylife.tumblr.com/Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke...<p>Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt a slobberly substance running down my face. It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/zgNeoU7HjqY" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915272http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915272Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:25:38 -0500Today, I went over to my best friend’s house only to have his little brother run up to us and...<p>Today, I went over to my best friend’s house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I’ve tutored him for a year. I’m seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I ‘taught’ him something weird. He won’t talk to me. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/SIIMeJMPWd8" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915131http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915131Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:25:31 -0500Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place....<p>Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We’re getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/Juh7YtNtsLA" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915039http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915039Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:25:26 -0500Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly...<p>Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/mRhkrXeXR98" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915046http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254915046Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:25:26 -0500Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container....<p>Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/QqDr6gDxWGc" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823550http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823550Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:01:52 -0500Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him....<p>Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/_gId9fwnqzg" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823536http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823536Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:01:51 -0500Today, I said to my roommate, “I know what you’re doing, and I want it to stop.”....<p>Today, I said to my roommate, “I know what you’re doing, and I want it to stop.”. She responded, “I’m so sorry, it was just once and we were both so drunk.” I was talking about her stealing my toothpaste, she was talking about making out with my boyfriend. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/Q80-PjTCkLo" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823519http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823519Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:01:51 -0500Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary...<p>Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it’s now 1pm in the afternoon. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/ebeNn0Mk2bw" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823503http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823503Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:01:50 -0500Today, I used the large bottle of oil on the counter to cook fries. I was so hungry that even though...<p>Today, I used the large bottle of oil on the counter to cook fries. I was so hungry that even though they tasted funny I ate them all. My mom later asked me if I knew what happened to all the liquid lamp oil she just bought. Poison control says I’ll probably have severe diarrhea for several days. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/O9xefQjx7ek" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823484http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254823484Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:01:49 -0500Today, I found out that some men think it’s ok to clip their fingernails, at the table, in a...<p>Today, I found out that some men think it’s ok to clip their fingernails, at the table, in a restaurant, on a first date. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/aG68tq2b9Gs" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254649110http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254649110Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:10:53 -0500Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They...<p>Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/AIG_RMqr3QE" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254649096http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254649096Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:10:52 -0500Today, my car crashed, the only refuge was at a nearby house, of which the inhabitant of the house...<p>Today, my car crashed, the only refuge was at a nearby house, of which the inhabitant of the house was a crazy psycho. Now replace “crazy psycho” with “crazy ex-girlfriend who won’t help you unless you compose a poem about how much you love her.” FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/Eff7mvxHFME" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254649083http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254649083Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:10:51 -0500Today, I found my son’s dead goldfish. Apparently, when it died he didn’t flush it....<p>Today, I found my son’s dead goldfish. Apparently, when it died he didn’t flush it. Instead he placed it in one of my socks, placed that sock in a jar, and set the jar in the back of my closet. The fish has been dead for over a month. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/Q66EioRYU3U" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254426971http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254426971Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:42:38 -0500Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my...<p>Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn’t seem to realize that I’m fluent in the language. He basically called me “ugly psycho bitch.” FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/dFRBrrEEL-E" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254426983http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254426983Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:42:38 -0500Today, I went onto the treadmill at my gym. When it prompted me to enter my age I put 27. I’m...<p>Today, I went onto the treadmill at my gym. When it prompted me to enter my age I put 27. I’m 29 and am lying about my age to a workout machine. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/EI0pCKfnjhY" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254426958http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254426958Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:42:37 -0500Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself....<p>Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. He responded, “That’s OK, but does your face have to be in them?” FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/FQvh-c0iq-M" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276564http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276564Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:17:53 -0500Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because...<p>Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn’t even get into community college. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/AD0Yi06es6U" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276549http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276549Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:17:52 -0500Today, I went on a blind date. It was going well until I brought up my views on politics. He then...<p>Today, I went on a blind date. It was going well until I brought up my views on politics. He then told me to shut up because women were incapable of intelligent thought. Then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place and have sex. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/nNX-Jw1npko" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276556http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276556Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:17:52 -0500Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I...<p>Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he’ll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, “Why don’t you just tell her you’re busy?” FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/7N0cteqCIe8" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276561http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254276561Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:17:52 -0500Today, I was at my boyfriends’ house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would...<p>Today, I was at my boyfriends’ house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he’d be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn’t untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/fmylife/~4/1tmVwdPbg9o" height="1" width="1"/></p>http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254134845http://fmylife.tumblr.com/post/254134845Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:27:42 -0500